Checkpoint #26

May was a convoluted month. Started smooth but at the end bad news came and despite my initial resistance, the pressure and distress increased while inspiration and creativity decreased. There was even the return of one or another scourger. Though they’re mostly being held off my walls, it's bothersome nevertheless and I'm not as secure of myself as I've been lately. As I could do the anti-scourger strategy and trigger the right axioms before, I’m sure this will not bring me down. See, at least I’m trying to look confident.

The days rushed so fast that I didn’t give this blog enough attention, so I’m not sure if I had many new ideas and wasn’t just coming over the same repeated grounds. I actually felt like I lost some of my ability to advance my thoughts too, so this month I didn’t have any interesting idea. There are all this new gems and that’s always good, but that is something I’ve been taking as granted. Maybe these thoughts on radiation and association were what pushed the topic forward, but I was lazy to do all I could have done, and now I’ll have to wait two months for it. Seems the Tankobon Rule isn’t being so effective...

As hints of the future started coming, it’s getting more evident to me this place isn’t going to last for long. I’ve been resistant against giving up because I wanted to prove myself capable, but unfortunately I’m having no more time or motivation to develop this place. As long as ideas were rolling in it was okay, but now I'm with a shortage of inspiration, being insistent feels like a pigheaded attitude.

Of course, I’m never going to stop having my thoughts, but the glory of this place seems long gone and it’s taking more time to be productive (when I expected it to take less time). Not that I ever had many readers, but I’m being constantly flooded by bots and spam, and that’s making me very sad and disappointed. Keeping running this place is giving me that feeling of pushing forward a relationship that has no love anymore, and it weighs me down.  

My friends are getting married, having babies, getting nice jobs and a nice future, but me… Though I have one fine project to invest my time now, some plans are not flowing, not working. I am afraid of being left behind, homeless, jobless, all alone, and that makes me much worried. No, this blog is not only bringing me no future, as it’s standing in my way and it’s bringing me some social hindrance as I keep being so introspective and weak and afraid and I feel I’m losing the ability to make (and keep) friends.

This is slowly changing from the fear, to a hard choice and now to something scheduled to happen. There are some more thoughts I’d like to dispatch, so probably it will be alive for the next month, but then I need to focus on actual studies so I can be more self-sustained and have a safe and stable life. It’s time to put some dreams to sleep.

Of crest creativity

I think I’m having a broader sense of practical expectations of my ideas, that I’m wondering what uses I could have for all these thoughts on crests and gems. I’ve been just letting it grow because it was feeling interesting, but fortunately it’s very useful for this lifetime pursuit of mine. After all, it’s my secret fuel for creativity and inspiration.

There are three main applications of crests to use as my source of creativity. The first one is the one I use the most, and that doesn’t require much skill (as it can’t even be controlled directly), that is the regurgitation process. All things I see and absorb later come in form of almost fully developed ideas (or at least bright sparkles).

As far as it’s going, it’s really helping me in having all the creative ideas I’m needing, as the regurgitation can also be more than the golden time of regurgitation which is bed time (or the silver shower time and bronze bus commute).

The second thing, it’s this still mysterious relation between crests and trances. There must be those arcane paths to trances that can be learned so the trance can be ignited at my own will, but so far I’m only making it through mostly trial and error. Maybe it’s some mixture of using abscission arks or other anti-scourger strategies if there’s any poignancy in my mind, and then I need to know how to blend the right crests that are having enough Release&Restraint power.

But the third and most special use I think I can get for crests, is simply the transference of these feelings to others, through the expression of my own mindscapes, or the artificial creation of special dioramas. For the stories or illustrations, I think it’s very important to have a nice notion of these mindscapes components and what makes for a good combination, and how to use them wisely to bring a nice effect on the viewer.

Of dioramas and artificial mindscapes

I was thinking about those lists of mindscapes to post this month, when I noticed something very particular was going on. There were some experiences I had, some feelings, a quintessential gathering I wanted to dismount into pieces to see how every part was playing the role of how that feeling became that feeling, when I noticed those mindscapes weren’t actually mindscapes.

They were dioramas. Apparently, I can have some mindscapes happening so frequently that they were being enacted directly in my mind, like some sort of stage of a dream, which is another frequent topic, the way actual dreams are always around these topics of crests and mental abilities I have, like this memory-making phenomena.

I can’t really know I’ve had an actual memory about it, like this diorama featuring a cloudy beach, low vegetation and owls. Mindscapes are solid experiences that happened for real, and sometimes it seems these dioramas happen like the amalgam of experiences, so it may or may not be a forgotten memory of some sort.

In another almost unrelated topic, dioramas can also seem to be created when some gems inadvertently get mixed when I’m thinking about them, and somehow a scenario appears. It once happened when the quintessences named turquoise, topaz and tourmaline once were together (probably because I was at the moment in a shopping mall near a highway).

The composition of this particular diorama was, naturally, of an instantaneous quintessence that became more defined as I thought on it. It was a modern place, with white tiles, bright-looking floors, minimalistic furniture and some walls replaced by windows. An artificial lake, pond or waterfall was around giving a relaxing ambience. Facing east, there was a vast field outside with cloudy, dark sky and the grass was orange-like due to the sunset light. And that part of the field is one of the most iconic characteristics of dioramas, which is how I can feel it shaping itself, grabbing and trying the actual memories of landscapes I have for it to use to its own manifestation.

Though some answers brought me more questions (like this apparent sentiency of dioramas, or the notions that ideas seem to exist before someone even had them), slowly I’m getting more used to the concept of dioramas, as it’s becoming more defined and less mysterious and it’s getting more exciting to explore. I’m seeing I’m having much more of them than I possibly expected, and I’ve been even witnessing the birth of dioramas.

 If that can go on, then I can even manipulate it for some creative purposes, using my actual mindscapes for the artificial creation of dreamful dioramas.

Of deliciously unfathomable mindscapes

I don’t feel as much intimidated or frustrated when having feelings out of my range of gems, as I feel delighted for the possibility of having a new experience, a possible new type of crest and possibly a gem in the future.

The deal with these mindscapes is that I really don’t know much why it’s going on, unlike other easily defined mindscapes with peridot, garnet or lazulite components. And I don’t know if these are just sylvan crests or even a new crest being created, or feeling things in their own identity rather than some gem series, or then a new layer over it all, or just the reminder that this quest of mine is foolish and the world is too big and varied for this silly attempt.

Now, these unfathomable mindscapes happen usually with music giving me some mood (when ‘howlite’ isn’t enough to describe it). I think I said this before, but as unfathomable as the mindscape keeps being despite my increased range of understanding of its crest components, the more it becomes something more important for me to understand them, because their gem-defying mystery is appealing, just like puzzles are more enticing than our resolved routines.

When there’s a situation of an unfathomable mindscape, I’m engulfed in the fascination to understand it. Fortunately after so much time understanding how mindscapes work with crests, I am getting skilled enough to know at least what is probably making that unfathomable mindscape work, so I can at least know how to make it last longer.

Usually the circumstances of the world that allow me to experience the feeling change and the study is over, but at least there’s something for the wehmut to store and process, so it can be artificially emulated later.

Mindscape #20

I step outside the building and suddenly I’m engulfed by the warm sun of the early afternoon. Not harmful and sweating, but the cozy light rays of autumn that give my clothes that nice smell. 

A girl was walking her dog without hurry, apparently enjoying the same warmth of the sun. In my ears suddenly I had an iconic song by a famous brazilian rock band, and suddenly I’m loving it so much. It’s strange to realize how much it’s striking a chord with me, for being part of my life like this.

I used to dislike the instrumental part of their music but I’m enjoying it now. After having travelled through so many musical lands, I’m back to one of the basics to any Brazilian music listener, and I see how beautiful everything is. I had even forgotten about this eight minute long epic that still sends chills down my spine every single time I listen to it, in a way only this song can do. The lyrics, for which I have always had a terrific respect, are still relevant, intelligent, poetic and acid. And it’s delightful to see how easy to sing along my own native idiom, in a tone similar to my natural voice. The pace, the intonation and pauses, everything comes naturally.

Heading to the university now, where other young students were also chasing their dreams, all like me, all having the same language, a very similar cultural background, all growing to those same songs and about romantic misadventures, revolt against the political, social and economical scenario. All of us, an urban legion of several generations growing with those melodies and impacting sentences.

Suddenly I’m feeling like belonging, which is a very warm feeling to have. It’s delightful to see myself sharing parts of my life with others, no matter how little the piece of similitude is.

Mindscape #19

It’s amazing how sometimes routines can make us live life to its minimum potential. For the sake of convenience, we don’t explore much of different paths because we just want the faster, quicker one. The breaking of the routine can be very refreshing and revitalizing in that sense, when one day I just went to a part of the town I had never been before, and it felt like a different world (which can be quite shameful under some point of view).

I got there early in a very cloudy morning, and I had more than an hour before the schedule at 11am, so I took the time to search around for something I’d been postponing to buy. As I walked around this strangely venue I had always seen only parts of from the distance (or on google maps), and I saw I was really close to the sea, but I was only getting there when I had done what I had to do.

The traffic had a considerable motion, though it was rather eventless, as those times of the day when everybody is at work or at school, as it usually is. Strange thing, this hour of the morning, it was reminding me of my favorite tv shows when I was a kid. They were aired always from 10am until 12pm, and I couldn’t help but remind of all these nickelodeon cartoons and Japanese tokusatsu shows from eighties or early nineties.

Even this unknown place was making me recall this time, when lunch was almost ready and I had no worries.

The sea was there to my left, and I was going towards it finally. Suddenly the intensity of the arterial road was behind, and this seemed to be a more reserved residential area. And finally, there it was, the sea. It was a bay, with coasts on both sides and a short escape to the ocean ahead.

The water was pale, reflecting the same gray tones of the sky. It was also very, very calm. There were virtually no waves. It’s to wonder how this great mass of water can simply reach the land with no conflict. The encounter of the two main geographical characteristics of the planet, and it happened peacefully.

The song I was listening to seemed to be some ambient song with a triphop beat. It was also part of a science fiction concept, and it felt exactly like late nineties, which is exactly when this album seems to have been released.

There was nobody here, just some elderly people at some fruit stalls behind. The sand was untouched except for some steps, two or three different types of footwear. Other than that, nobody could be seen in this small beach (probably inappropriate for bath). No one but two people, far to my left, two people on a little rowboat some yards into the sea. Were they fishing or using the isolation of water to have a moment of their own, I’ll never know. No one will ever know. This place is empty. Suddenly I realized, I was alone and I was free. I was free to be me, to feel like what I like to feel about myself.

There was no surveillance, no cameras, no guards. Not much of social standards. No one was watching us. No one was trying to rule us. We were free. We had freedom, until the world called us back to our duties.

Mindscape #18

It was a sunny day, a sunny midday and everything was so lively and smooth as possible. Beautiful girls were passing by, and groups of friends, heading to and from restaurants, had conversations that looked very interesting by their gesticulations. It was just maybe a little too cold, and I wanted as much of the sun heating my skin as I possibly could. There was absolutely nothing eerie about the situation.

Except I had chosen to listen to a podcast about urban legends and scary stories. I really like when there’s no emails and messages before the theme and they can go straight into their subject. In this case, it started instantaneously with a very nice atmosphere, as the introductory song was mysterious, morbid and brightless enough to set the mood.

Unfortunately, it was getting too windy and the warmth of the sun wasn’t making it worth being outside, so I went back indoors and found a place near a window where I could still have some sun to warm me up, without the freezing wind. But the place was a little dark and the room was empty. There was nobody around. Things were getting amusingly appropriate for the ghost stories, scary tales and mysterious events I was willing to be fed with without logical reasoning.

Outside there was still some wind, and it seemed to be growing stronger. In fact, the sun had weakened and some dark clouds began to roll over the sky. There was something about them that felt twisted, as if their low altitude and the strange motion of their shapes meant something wicked. In due time, a few water drops started appearing on the window, and the room got even darker. All liveliness of the road disappeared, and few people could be sighted walking around with quick steps. A nearby playground felt conveniently abandoned.

It was such a thick experience I kept thinking about it during the rest of the day, and I even wanted to repeat the experience, listening to the same episode again the very next day. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, as it didn’t have this exact combination of elements, and so the atmosphere of the episode itself, albeit still attention-grabbing, wasn’t nearly as impacting…

Mindscape #17

A quiet and rainy weekend came, and I decided to rest my mind by watching a handful of movies in a row. There were no friends around, and I didn’t bother chasing them. I was pretty comfortable with the isolation, and in that very moment I was even glad and tranquilized by the thought I could go with no need of socialization.

This wasn’t the usual rainy afternoon, but rather one of those days when it’s all wet and white, due to a rain mist. It was also cold, and those poor trees exposed to the melancholic setting made me feel some sort of empathy and pity for them. But those who have no option but to be strong, they simply endured.

Down below, along the pavement road darkened because of the rain, cars were all parked, collecting conditioned water drops on their hoods. Apparently no one was willing to leave home, and, from the unfortunate ones passing by, some people were gladly reaching home, and it could be seen by their suddenly slowed stride as they got closer to the building’s gate, as if the last steps of the journey were being counted down with relief.

Here inside it was very comfortable, and because of the whitish world outside, the room had a natural bright illumination. On tv, a French movie everybody has been talking about. A light-hearted story about friendship and prejudice, with witty dialogues and scenes and the amazing French accent I was constantly trying to reproduce.

My mother was around, and the usually lonely and cold apartment with everybody being busy studying in their rooms and keeping the place moderately organized, suddenly felt like true home with the details that mothers keep as their secret. And she decided to prepare a breakfast (and she abandoned the movie, I can’t never understand these habits), the incredible smell of the baking of cake or preparing some steaming coffee. Moments like this can’t happen too often, and they must be remembered for their immense worth.

Mindscape #16

After some rainy days and a disheartening cold that was keeping me frequently in bed, I went to the window and the purple and orange sunset sky and the chilly air got me by surprise, and that first well-known mindscape could only mean one thing. I had just received the best present of the year: the first day of autumn.

I had just avoided one event the same day, but now I wanted to go out at all costs, even if I wasn’t fully recovered yet. All the world was so beautiful. The first golden streetlights were rushing to illuminate a twilight city. The trees seemed higher and eager to reach the sky. The distant outline of mountain and cityscape also seemed to be rejoicing this autumnal air.

As I wandered through the streets to find the house I was looking for, I was in a place that was new to me, at the same time it was all very familiar, like a refreshing expanded identity. When I had then found the street I needed, I saw at that corner one of the most beautiful images I can remember.

The sky, still starless, was something between a deep blue and violet, and a little shining, white crescent moon from far up above was watching everything. Down below the hills there was the sea and twinkling lights from the shore on the other side. As a Saturday night it was, some of these buildings must have been of bars opening for the night.

At the foot of the hill, closer to me, below the street there was the main avenue and the house of the governor, with lots of fine trees, including cypresses and pine trees (just my two favorite) and a beautiful lawn. Following the avenue, a large sidewalk and a formal and short stone wall with timid art nouveau decorations.

In the street I was in there were more pine trees pointing to the infinite sky. And one of the finest elements of this scenario was, at the corner of the street, this very strange-looking house also made of stones and an exquisite, almost fantasy-looking architecture.

I don’t know how much time I spent appreciating it, and maybe I could have almost missed the party, but two girls were coming and they looked stray, so I asked if they were going to the same place as me and so I made them company. It was a rather alternative party, in a small and tight place, the kind I usually have dioramas in my head, but, curiously, I don’t remember ever actually been to one that felt just like I had always imagined.

Mindscape #15

There’s a neighborhood around here that has, in my opinion, the best atmosphere in the city. The houses are cute and unique, with very well-kept appearances. All streets and sidewalks are organized and clean and decorated with plants, flowers, gardens and trees with branches all over the street. It seems a place for the few, unfortunately.

But maybe it hasn’t always been this restrict for costly and well-preserved residences. In a cloudy day when I was in a mood for exploration, I found, right around the edge of this neighborhood next to a big shopping mall and nearing a swamp area, just at the end of the street, an old and abandoned house.

It’s a two-story building with simple architecture, which would once have look like a fine residence, with a lot of presence of green from the garden and the wild vegetation directly behind it. But now the windows are broken and the walls are mossy gray as the paint is long gone. The bushes are all over the yard and coming over the cracked concrete wall.

It looks so eerie and so out of place that it is surprisingly enchanting. All these beautiful houses don’t appeal my eyes and my soul so much as this house. It seems to hold a dusty and mysterious magic in its history. I felt a connection with the nearest bookstore, as it looks like a place from a children book.

I can’t help but remember all these fantasy books like Harry Potter, Narnia, Golden Compass, Artemis Fowl, Unfortunate Events (those early 00’s series). Strangely then, but maybe because I was listening to an English band, I felt a sudden empathy for England and their culture, and I also felt such a great nostalgia and an urge to revisit these worlds of the past.