May was a convoluted month. Started smooth but at the end bad news came and despite my initial resistance, the pressure and distress increased while inspiration and creativity decreased. There was even the return of one or another scourger. Though they’re mostly being held off my walls, it's bothersome nevertheless and I'm not as secure of myself as I've been lately. As I could do the anti-scourger strategy and trigger the right axioms before, I’m sure this will not bring me down. See, at least I’m trying to look confident.
The days rushed so fast that I didn’t give this blog enough attention, so I’m not sure if I had many new ideas and wasn’t just coming over the same repeated grounds. I actually felt like I lost some of my ability to advance my thoughts too, so this month I didn’t have any interesting idea. There are all this new gems and that’s always good, but that is something I’ve been taking as granted. Maybe these thoughts on radiation and association were what pushed the topic forward, but I was lazy to do all I could have done, and now I’ll have to wait two months for it. Seems the Tankobon Rule isn’t being so effective...
As hints of the future started coming, it’s getting more evident to me this place isn’t going to last for long. I’ve been resistant against giving up because I wanted to prove myself capable, but unfortunately I’m having no more time or motivation to develop this place. As long as ideas were rolling in it was okay, but now I'm with a shortage of inspiration, being insistent feels like a pigheaded attitude.
Of course, I’m never going to stop having my thoughts, but the glory of this place seems long gone and it’s taking more time to be productive (when I expected it to take less time). Not that I ever had many readers, but I’m being constantly flooded by bots and spam, and that’s making me very sad and disappointed. Keeping running this place is giving me that feeling of pushing forward a relationship that has no love anymore, and it weighs me down.
My friends are getting married, having babies, getting nice jobs and a nice future, but me… Though I have one fine project to invest my time now, some plans are not flowing, not working. I am afraid of being left behind, homeless, jobless, all alone, and that makes me much worried. No, this blog is not only bringing me no future, as it’s standing in my way and it’s bringing me some social hindrance as I keep being so introspective and weak and afraid and I feel I’m losing the ability to make (and keep) friends.
This is slowly changing from the fear, to a hard choice and now to something scheduled to happen. There are some more thoughts I’d like to dispatch, so probably it will be alive for the next month, but then I need to focus on actual studies so I can be more self-sustained and have a safe and stable life. It’s time to put some dreams to sleep.